Chapter 4: What's the Frequency Dearest?

MIDNIGHT BURGER

Chapter 4: What’s the Frequency, Dearest?

By Joe Fisher MIDNIGHT BURGER Chapter 4: What’s the Frequency, Dearest?

SFX: MUSIC. SOUND OF THE COSMOS FLYING BY.

GLORIA You’re just going to sit there and watch me fill these ramekins?

AVA I like manual labor, it helps me think.

GLORIA Well then do some.

AVA No, watching it helps me think. It’s like watching a line of ants, it’s very relaxing.

GLORIA Fine. Hey. Speaking of relaxed, do you ever feel like Leif is almost TOO relaxed? He goes with the flow no matter what, it’s weird.

AVA Oh yeah? Watch this. Hey, Leif?

LEIF (In the kitchen) Yeah?

AVA I’ve been thinking about it and, I don’t know, I still feel like a hot dog is a sandwich.

SFX: POTS AND PANS CRASHING.

LEIF

(In the kitchen) For fuck’s sake!

GLORIA Oh my God.

LEIF I can’t believe we have to go through this again. AGAIN!

AVA But it’s in my hand and it’s between two things. 2.

LEIF

It is SURROUND by ONE THING on THREE SIDES. What are you not getting about this?

AVA I don’t see how that can’t be a sandwich.

LEIF You don’t SEE? YOU don’t see?

GLORIA Leif, oh my God.

AVA It seems like you have a very limited definition of a sandwich.

LEIF That’s the whole- how can-...

GLORIA What is happening?

LEIF What was that award you got? The gravity thing?

AVA Well, I’ve received many accolades, Leif.

LEIF You gave some sort of speech in Belgium.

AVA The Society of European Physicists? My award winning paper on gravity waves?

LEIF Exactly. You figured something out that literally no one on Earth had figured out and you can’t WRAP your MIND around HAND FOOD TAXONOMY!

CASPAR Leif, what are you yelling about?

GLORIA Sandwiches apparently.

CASPAR Again, Ava?

AVA I’m a scientist, I have a commitment to the truth. 3.

LEIF

I don’t have time for this.

ZEBULON

No, you do not, for we are only two hours from our new destination and Leif has not cleaned the grill yet.

LEIF

Narc.

CASPAR Gloria, are we ready up here?

GLORIA

Yeah, just let me put out these sugars. Hey Effie, where are we headed?

EFFIE

Well I’m certain that I don’t know, Dear.

CASPAR You’re not doing it right, Gloria.

GLORIA

Right. Effie what does THE LORD tell you about where we’re headed?

EFFIE

The lord tells me of a golden city surrounded by-

GLORIA WHOA-

SFX: TRIP AND FALL. RADIO CRASHING TO THE GROUND. RADIO

STATIC.

AVA

Uh-oh.

GLORIA Oh no.

CASPAR What happened?

GLORIA

I tripped and I accidentally... I knocked the radio over.

CASPAR Zeb? Effie? Can you hear us?... Guys? 4.

GLORIA

I think the dial might have moved a little bit. What station was it on?

CASPAR I don’t know.

GLORIA You don’t know?

CASPAR I’ve never changed the station before.

GLORIA Ever?

CASPAR They always told me not to.

GLORIA Well, what do we do?

AVA

Guys. Why are you freaking out? Just search around for the station.

SFX: DINER SLOWING DOWN AND STOPPING.

CASPAR Why are we stopping? It’s not time for us to stop.

GLORIA Did I break the diner?

CASPAR Ava, where are we?

AVA

Um... Space.

CASPAR Can you narrow that down?

AVA

The bad part?

CASPAR Ava.

AVA

Have a look.

CASPAR What is that? 5.

AVA It’s a gazebo, what do you think it is?

CASPAR That thing you do? That I hate? Where you joke around in a moment of crisis?

AVA It’s a supermassive black hole.

CASPAR Are we heading towards it?

AVA Technically everything is.

LEIF Hey, what’s going on, have we stopped already? Whoa. Is that what I think it is?

CASPAR That depends, do you think it’s imminent doom?

LEIF What the hell happened?

GLORIA I broke the diner.

CASPAR We don’t know what happened. Gloria accidentally moved the dial on the radio, we lost Zeb and Effie, then everything stopped.

LEIF We’re not supposed to change the station.

GLORIA It was an accident.

LEIF Well let’s get them back.

CASPAR I don’t know what the station is, do you?

LEIF I don’t know what the station is, I’ve never changed it.

CASPAR Well we’re a finely-tuned Swiss watch again, aren’t we? 6.

AVA

I don’t want to add too much urgency to the situation, but a supermassive black hole has the mass of one million suns and we’re basically swan diving into it right now.

CASPAR That’s too many suns. Someone should fix that.

GLORIA

We’ll be okay, right? Isn’t this place indestructible or something?

LEIF

It may be, we’re sure as hell not.

AVA

I’d rather not die by being compressed into a ball of matter the size of a Boba, but I would get some great data right before that.

GLORIA

Okay, I’m just going to start cranking on the dial until I hear someone from Arkansas... Okay... Okay there are no numbers on the dial.

AVA

Would it matter if there were?

GLORIA Guess not. Okay, here we go.

SFX: STATIC SNAPS INTO INTRO MUSIC FOR SPORTS BROADCAST.

EFFIE

Welcome back sports fans, I’m Kitty Caldwell here with Bram Frampton, the sun is shining, the grass is green, which could only mean it’s time to put some blood on it.

CASPAR Effie? Effie can you hear us?

EFFIE

Today we’ll watch as the Indiana Colts attempt to stampede all over the Miami Dolphins, and though the visual of horses trampling dolphins is a disturbing one, none of that matters because it’s football season!

SFX: ROTARY PHONE DIALING 7.

EFFIE

(CONT’D) That’s right it’s once again time for the greatest athletes in the world to toss around a pig skin while you sit at home tossing around a bag of pig skins because you’re too lazy to walk them across the room to your roommate. Bram?

CASPAR Leif, what are you doing?

LEIF

Off-Planet Betting, this is going to be a good game.

GLORIA We have a phone?

ZEBULON

Kitty the championship season is quickly approaching and teams are beginning to drop off the roster faster than you can say Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy. The Steelers lose to the Bills 23 to 57 and the Chiefs squeeze past the Ravens 11 to 13, but let’s get to the real news of the day.

EFFIE

Let’s do it!

LEIF

Yeah, Gork? It’s Leif, give me 500 on the Colts.

GLORIA But what is the phone connected to?

AVA

Guys.

ZEBULON

Teams win or lose but the real news from coast to coast is one name and one name only.

EFFIE

That’s right.

ZEBULON Mister Raynard Lewis.

EFFIE

Sweet number 17 himself.

AVA

Guys! Take it off the station! 8.

ZEBULON 19 touchdowns in his rookie season, ready to go even further this season and very, very popular with the ladies.

EFFIE Oh, I’ve got a brand new pair of roller skates, he’s got a brand new KEY TO MY PANTS!

AVA Take it off!

GLORIA Okay!

SFX: RADIO STATIC.

CASPAR What’s the problem?

AVA We’re moving faster. We picked up speed as soon as the station came on.

GLORIA Does the radio control the diner?

CASPAR No. I mean, I don’t think so.

LEIF Since when is there a relationship between Zeb and Effie and the diner’s navigation?

CASPAR There probably always was, we just never changed the station before.

GLORIA If only there was a scientist around to figure this out for us.

AVA You want me to figure it out right now?

GLORIA I feel like that’s something you should know.

LEIF This has definitely never happened before.

GLORIA Guys, c’mon. 9.

CASPAR How were we supposed to know?

GLORIA

I have an excuse because I just got here. You mean to tell me it never occurred to anyone to say “Hey, there’s a sentient old-timey radio in this diner. I wonder what that’s all about.”

CASPAR Um... Ava?

AVA

I was getting around to it.

LEIF

Isn’t this more of an after-we’re-out-of-danger conversation?

CASPAR Good point. Ava, how much time do we have?

AVA

I don’t know, there’s not a speedometer on the diner.

CASPAR Let’s try another station.

LEIF

That’ll make us go faster won’t it?

CASPAR Will it?

GLORIA

Can we not “guestimate” our way into the supermassive black hole?

CASPAR

I’m trying another station, we can’t just sit here. Okay... Here we go...

SFX: RADIO STATIC. NPR MUSIC.

EFFIE

Welcome back to All Things Considered, I’m Lakshmi Noguchi-Tutu. Twenty-three refugees from Syria have been stranded in a rickety boat off the coast of Sicily without any nation offering asylum. For more on this, here’s Habib Westervelt-Fischel. 10.

ZEBULON For twenty-nine days now these Syrian refugees have been in a living hell right off the coast of paradise.

AVA No. No no no. Off.

SFX: RADIO STATIC.

CASPAR Shit.

AVA We’re going faster again.

LEIF What the hell?

GLORIA If we do nothing we get sucked in; if we do something we get sucked in faster; what the fuck are we supposed to do?

CASPAR Let’s start paddling.

AVA Hang on, hang on... Oh balls.

LEIF What is it?

AVA The Steelers lose to the Bills 23 to 57... squeeze past the Ravens 11 to 13... Number 17... 19 touchdowns... 23 refugees 29 days... goddamnit. GLORIA Can we get an invite to the brain party?

AVA 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29.

CASPAR Are you playing Keno, or something?

AVA Prime numbers. All in a row, that can’t be a coincidence.

GLORIA If it isn’t a coincidence, what IS it? 11.

AVA

Prime numbers are how you introduce yourself to an intelligent species. It’s kind of a, y’know, “Hey, how are you, we both recognize prime numbers.” They’re getting our attention.

CASPAR So they can communicate with us?

AVA I’m guessing they can, but not directly.

LEIF Great. Easy things are boring anyway.

AVA I need more data.

GLORIA Okay, I’m a CapricornAVA We need to turn the dial again.

CASPAR I thought turning the dial sends us faster towards our big black friend.

AVA Right now our options are a quick death or a slow death. We should probably get some more options. CASPAR Okay, fine. Leif, you do it this time, maybe you’ll get lucky.

LEIF Okay. Okay, yeah I’m feeling lucky. Here we go... SFX: STATIC. “GARDEN TIME” MUSIC.

EFFIE Welcome back to Garden Time everyone, Liz here. I’m sitting down with Marv Garvin of the North Forks Community Garden Center. Marv, what should we be looking out for in our gardens right now?

ZEBULON Well, Liz, as you know it is time for everyone to pull up their turnips.

EFFIE Yes. 12.

ZEBULON Things are getting very real out there.

EFFIE

So real.

ZEBULON

Since late summer, gardeners everywhere have been asking themselves one question “Is my soil loose enough?” and now they’re about to find out.

EFFIE

Like nature’s scratch-off lotto ticket.

ZEBULON Oh my, that’s a good one, Liz.

EFFIE

Thanks, Marv, we like to have fun. If you’ve got questions about your turnips, your beets, or whatever else you’re pulling up. Give us a call at 459-018-0360.

SFX: ROTARY PHONE DIALING.

AVA

This is giving me nothing.

GLORIA I’ve got an idea.

EFFIE

Let’s jump right in. Our first caller is Gloria, oh my, all the way from Arizona. How are you today, Gloria.

GLORIA

Hey, Liz, long time first time, thanks so much for taking my call. I’ve got a really big black problem that I’m heading towards... in my garden, hope you can help.

EFFIE

We’ll do our darndest, Gloria.

GLORIA My problem is... What’s a gardening problem?

CASPAR Blight?

GLORIA Blight? Is that a thing? 13.

EFFIE

Hm.

ZEBULON Hm.

AVA

Oh, shit! Shut it off!

SFX: RADIO STATIC.

LEIF

What could you have possibly gotten from that?

AVA

459-018-0360. We’re going to use a Cartesian Coordinate System on the radio dial. 45 degrees, 90 degrees, 180, and 360, that’s how we’re going to find stations on the dial. The dial didn’t have numbers now it has numbers.

CASPAR

So we’re just going to keep doing this decoder-ring bullshit until the black hole squeezes us like a lemon?

AVA

Said the guy who’s not offering any solutions at all.

GLORIA

This is good, right? We know how to turn the dial now we need to know where. It’s good to have a plan, I like plans.

CASPAR

Everything we do to escape sends us faster into the black hole, I hate this plan.

AVA

Tough titties.

CASPAR

Leif, what was that thing you did when we were stuck in that nebula?

LEIF

Vent the grease trap?

CASPAR Yes, do that.

LEIF

Okay, hang on. 14.

AVA

That’s not going to slow us down at this point.

CASPAR

No, it’s not, Dr. Smartypants but if he vents the grease trap laterally it will give us spin around the black hole creating centrifugal force that will pull away from the center and slow us down at least a little bit. Who’s the scientist now?!

AVA

Still not you.

LEIF

(From the kitchen) Hang on to something. This is going to be bumpy.

SFX: GREASE VENTING INTO THE VOID. DINER RATTLES. RADIO STATIC. COMMERCIAL MUSIC.

GLORIA The dial moved!

AVA

Everybody quiet.

EFFIE

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ZEBULON

Hi. I’m Django Hume, founder and CEO of Red Pantry. Like you, when I think of home cooking I think of having someone do something for me and then bragging like I was the one that did it. At Red Pantry we harness the collective power of over 137 other gig worker apps to bring the miracle of bragging about the food you made, right to your door.

AVA

137 huh? Okay shut it off! 15.

SFX: RADIO STATIC. DINER GOES QUIET.

LEIF

Okay, I vented all the grease. Hopefully that will bide us some time.

AVA

Turn the dial to 137 degrees.

GLORIA Ava.

AVA

Pretend the dial has a clock face on it. Turn the dial to somewhere between 9 and 10 o’clock.

GLORIA You can’t be any more specific than that?

AVA

Just do it.

GLORIA Okay, okay.

SFX: RADIO CHANNEL SURFING. 1040S RADIO SHOW MUSIC.

ZEBULON

The Willis and Cabbage program, Presented by Lucky Strike. Smoke a Lucky to feel your level best. That’s just how you’ll feel when you light up a Lucky. Because Lucky’s fine tobacco will pick you up when you feel low, calms you down when you’re tense. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco.

LEIF

Are you sure this is the right station?

GLORIA Nobody knows.

AVA

Damn, now I want a cigarette.

CASPAR

I thought this was supposed to be the right station.

AVA

Shhh. Just listen.

ZEBULON

Well now, Mrs. Cabbage. What’s with all this feminine nonsense laying around? 16.

EFFIE

Oh, Willis, don’t be a pill now. These are the clothes I’m donating to the women’s shelter. ZEBULON Ah. Those poor ladies must admire an upper west side lady like yourself.

EFFIE They did. Then they met my husband.

SFX: LAUGHTER.

ZEBULON One more remark like that and I’ll leave you on 80th avenue where I found you.

EFFIE Don’t threaten me with a good time, you know that’s where Zabar’s is.

SFX: LAUGHTER.

LEIF 80th!

AVA Go to 5 o’clock.

SFX: CHANNEL SURFING.

GLORIA C’mon c’mon c’mon.

SFX: STATIC. LATE NIGHT TALK SHOW MUSIC.

EFFIE Welcome back to “Not Too Late”, I’m Dr. Barbara. CASPAR What the fuck.

EFFIE I hope everyone’s holidays were nice, impecunious, and restful, and if they weren’t restful, I hope you’re glad they’re over. Frank, how were your holidays?

ZEBULON Y’know, Doctor, my step-mother hit us with the fruitcake again.

EFFIE Oh no, the fruitcake. 17.

ZEBULON

Nobody eats it, we don’t know what to do with it, it’s a problem.

EFFIE

Oh, you poor thing.

ZEBULON

Doctor, so much of our holidays are about handling problems.

EFFIE

You know, Frank, It’s funny you mention that because that’s what I want to talk about today with our callers. Holiday problems. For some people the holidays are a yearly crisis and they really shouldn’t be.

CASPAR Okay, I’m done with this, give me the phone.

SFX: ROTARY PHONE DIALING.

EFFIE

So let’s hear from you about your crisis. Give us a call at 666-338-6570. Frank, who have we got on the line?

ZEBULON

Up first we’ve got Caspar calling in from... this is odd. It just says Supermassive Black Hole.

EFFIE

Well that’s weird, we’re going to have to talk to the screeners about that one. Caspar, how are you tonight?

CASPAR

I’m not good Dr. Barbara! I’m heading toward a particular “holiday” right now and it’s about to crush me and all the people I care about.

EFFIE

Okay, Caspar, let’s not overreact-

CASPAR

No, I literally mean it! No offense to Frank and his fruitcake, but my particular fruitcake has the gravitational pull of one-million suns! And the two people who are supposed to prevent that are NOWHERE to be found!

EFFIE

I know it’s stressful- 18.

CASPAR

Things are supposed to work, Barbara. They’re supposed to work. You’re supposed to be able to rely on them. Not everything. Not everything has to work. But some things. Some things you should be able to rely on. The world is too cruel to not have things to rely on, and when those things go away you end up hurtling toward a supermassive black hole without anything to protect you!

LEIF

Caspar-

CASPAR

Effie, I know that’s you. Zebulon. Come on, you’re not a late night radio shrink, you’re two goddamn yokels in 1925 Arkansas! You know what? I don’t even know if you’re that! I don’t know what you are but I know that I depend on you. One of the few things that I depend on and now you’re gone as we’re all floating towards our doom!

SFX: RADIO STATIC.

CASPAR (CONT’D) Hello?!

SFX: PHONE SLAMMING DOWN. FRONT DOOR OPENS.

GLORIA Uh, can he go out there?

AVA

He’s fine in the parking lot.

GLORIA So, are we screwed?

LEIF

What does impecunious mean?

AVA

Leif.

GLORIA It means poor.

LEIF

Really?

GLORIA Yeah. Word-a-Day Calendar, I buy it every year. 19.

LEIF

She used it wrong. She used it like it meant “relaxing.” It kind of stood out, didn’t it?

AVA Hm.

LEIF What could that mean?

AVA Go back to the first station we tried.

GLORIA We’re really cutting it close here.

AVA We don’t have anything to lose at this point. GLORIA Okay.

SFX: CHANNEL SURFING. CROWD CHEERING.

ZEBULON Kitty, the bench has cleared and we are looking at an all-out brawl on the fifty yard line! What started off as a friendly game of football is now just another night at Ike Turner’s!

EFFIE Bram, the crowd is noisome!

SFX: STATIC.

GLORIA Noisome means smelly.

AVA Huh. Try the next one.

SFX: CHANNEL SURFING. NPR MUSIC.

EFFIE Later, while speaking from the epistolary in Brazil, the President was quoted as saying “I do what I want. I’m popping.”

SFX: STATIC.

GLORIA Epistolary isn’t a place it means “written in a letter.” 20.

AVA

Oh, God. I think I know where this is going. Try another.

SFX: CHANNEL SURFING. GARDEN TIME MUSIC.

EFFIE Marv, it’s time to talk peppers.

ZEBULON I thought things were getting a little spicy in here.

EFFIE Oh, Marv. You’re obstreperous.

SFX: STATIC.

GLORIA Nope. Obstreperous means stubborn. What’s happening?

AVA One more.

SFX: CHANNEL SURFING. 1940S MUSIC.

EFFIE Willis, can you help me with this?

ZEBULON Mrs. Cabbage, what is it now?

EFFIE I’m writing a thank you note to Mrs. Tate and I was wondering if you could take a look at it.

ZEBULON Very well, then, let’s see... Mrs. Cabbage there aren’t any words on this page.

EFFIE Well that’s the first problem.

SFX: LAUGHTER ZEBULON What am I supposed to do with this, Mrs. Cabbage? EFFIE If you could just give me a starting place.

ZEBULON How about starting with the first letter? 21.

SFX: LAUGHTER. STATIC. GLORIA

It’s gone.

SFX: CHANNEL SURFING. GLORIA (CONT’D)

They’re all gone. LEIF

What’s happening? AVA

“Try starting with the first letter” The first

letter of each wrong word. It spells “Ineo.” GLORIA

I don’t know that one. AVA

It’s Latin. It means “go in.” LEIF

Go in where? GLORIA

No way. AVA

I think they mean our buddy out there. LEIF

They want us to go into a supermassive black hole? AVA

Unless you can think of something else. GLORIA

Why would they tell us to do that? AVA

I don’t know. LEIF

That’s bad. I don’t like that at all. AVA

And I’m thrilled? GLORIA

It’s going to kill us. 22.

AVA

Not necessarily. Honestly no one knows what happens inside one of those. It’s not just a lot of gravity it’s a complete breakdown of the basic forces of the universe. Who knows what happens when you decide to cruise right into it.

LEIF

Well I was going to lose that bet on the Colts anyway, so. Dodged that bullet.

GLORIA So there’s nothing to be done?

AVA I could use a refill on my coffee. Y’know, since you’re up.

LEIF I’m going to go talk to Caspar.

SFX: DOOR CHIME. LOW HUM OF THE SUPERMASSIVE BLACK HOLE. LEIF (CONT’D) Hey.

CASPAR Hey.

LEIF So, we have a plan.

CASPAR No, we don’t.

LEIF No, we really don’t. Ava thinks the message Zeb and Effie are trying to send is to go into the black hole.

CASPAR That’s counter-intuitive.

LEIF You’re telling me.

CASPAR Okay. Fine. Fuck it.

LEIF Funny that they look like suns, huh? Black holes? Like a photo negative of a sun. 23.

CASPAR Yeah.

LEIF

You know what else is funny? That we’re standing in a parking lot on the edge of a black hole and we’re like “Sure, whatever.”

CASPAR Ha! Yeah.

LEIF

I knew this guy, he was a bartender on one of those pleasure cruisers on Neeso?

CASPAR Oh yeah, those are nice.

LEIF

Neeso’s just paradise right? Most beautiful place I’ve ever seen. Just cruising on clear, calm water all day and night. I said to him “Man, you’ve got the best job. You get the same view as the paying customers and you get paid to be here. And he leaned into me and he said “You know what, Leif? You’d be surprised what can become just another fuckin’ job.”

CASPAR

(Laughing) Yeah, I see what you mean.

LEIF

You seemed pretty freaked out in there, man. Which is understandable. Y’know, supermassive back hole and all.

CASPAR

You know, for a while it was just me and them. Before you showed up, before Ava. A long time ago I walked into what I thought was a diner in... where was I? Bakersfield. I walked into an abandoned diner and suddenly the old-timey radio next to the cash register started talking to me. And I thought, “Okay the radio’s talking to me, my psychotic break has arrived, this’ll be fun.” But then, 24 hours later, I was on Garrion.

LEIF

Oh yeah? Garrion was your first shift?

CASPAR Yeah. 24.

LEIF

Garrion 2 or 3?

CASPAR Two.

LEIF

Two’s way better.

CASPAR Right?

LEIF

The Chopped Cheese?

CASPAR It’s the best.

LEIF

People don’t know.

CASPAR

Anyway. I saw some weird shit before you guys showed up. And I was glad that they were there for me. I depended on them. When you literally don’t have ground beneath your feet, other things become the ground. And when those things fail too, where does that leave you? Things are supposed to work. I like it when things work.

LEIF

Hey, for all we know, Ava is right and this is part of their plan. Maybe things keep working, they just don’t work in the way we expect them to.

CASPAR

Yeah, let’s hope. We’re coming up on it, we should get inside.

LEIF

Here we go.

SFX: DOOR CHIME.

GLORIA Last coffee before the supermassive black hole.

LEIF

Cool.

CASPAR Sure, I’ll have some. Mind if I join you? 25.

AVA

I don’t normally receive gentleman callers at my booth.

CASPAR I’m sitting down.

AVA I have five theories about what awaits us inside the black hole, would you like to hear them? CASPAR I really wouldn’t.

LEIF Okay, seriously, what’s your secret with the coffee, why is it so good?

GLORIA It’s complicated, Leif. I put the appropriate amount in the filter and then I don’t let it sit too long on the burner.

LEIF Interesting.

CASPAR Did you really get some sort of award in Belgium? AVA I did. But it was bittersweet because I had to share the award with one other scientist.

CASPAR Bummer.

AVA One might say that in Belgium my ego was a bit... CASPAR Don’t do it.

AVA ... Bruges-ed.

CASPAR How dare you?

AVA Here comes imminent doom. Anything to say before we’re all erased?

CASPAR I’m glad you’re here. 26.

AVA I know.

SFX: THE DINER PLUNGING INTO THE BLACK HOLE, THEN SILENCE. THEN...

SONG: ROCK ME IN MY SWANEE CRADLE BY VERNON DALHART. GLORIA

... And we’re back? CASPAR

I guess so. AVA

Well that’s lame. LEIF

Yeah, what the hell? CASPAR

I guess when you go through a black hole you end

up... on the other side of the black hole. LEIF

It was way better in the movie. GLORIA

Effie? Zebulon, are you guys there? This sounds

like their music. EFFIE

Well, hey there, Gloria. ZEBULON

We thought we’d lost you for a moment. GLORIA

Oh, thank God. CASPAR

Guys, what happened? EFFIE

Well, I’m sure we don’t know. ZEBULON

It’s a bit stormy here and I suppose the inclement

weather interfered with us reaching you. AVA

Oh, come on. 27.

CASPAR Wait, we went through a whole thing over here, to you guys we just cut out for a second?

EFFIE That’s right, one moment you were there, the next you weren’t, and then there you were again.

LEIF No way.

CASPAR Nothing about, you know, the Colts versus the Dolphins?

ZEBULON Well, I’ve never owned a horse, Caspar, but I don’t see what kind of ill will they might have towards a sea creature.

CASPAR What the hell?

AVA I want my money back.

LEIF We went through a black hole!

EFFIE I can’t say we know anything about that, Leif. But I’m sure that no matter the instance, the Lord had a plan.

AVA Tell the Lord his plan blows.

GLORIA Ava!

CASPAR You’d prefer we get squished by the black hole?

AVA Kind of.

ZEBULON Now, I wouldn’t speak too harshly on the Lord’s plans, Ava. For it appears that the Lord’s plan for today involves a bit of rest and relaxation.

EFFIE Have a look outside, y’all. 28.

CASPAR Oh. Hey.

SFX: DOOR CHIME. DINER FADES INTO THE BACKGROUND. SOUND OF A TRANQUIL OCEAN.

LEIF

Holy shit. CASPAR

It’s Neeso. GLORIA

It’s beautiful. LEIF

This place is the best. AVA

You’ve been here before? CASPAR

Yeah. Been a long time. LEIF

Not mad about the black hole anymore. SFX: DISTANT SHIP’S HORN.

LEIF (CONT’D)

Oh hey, a pleasure cruiser’s docking. We’ve got

twelve hours, who’s in the mood for a day cruise? GLORIA

Oh, hell yeah. LEIF

Follow me. CASPAR

Sorry you didn’t discover the secrets of the black

hole. AVA

There’s always tomorrow. Show me around. CASPAR

Okay. AVA

Hang on, though. SFX: DOOR CHIME. 29.

AVA

(CONT’D) Hey. You two. I’ve got questions. Just wanted to let you know.

EFFIE Only the Lord provides answers, Ava.

AVA Yeah. Sure. See you in eleven hours and fifty-nine minutes.

SFX: DOOR CHIME ZEBULON Quite a storm we had, my dear.

EFFIE Indeed, husband. Indeed.

THE END